The Incredible Myth Of The Dishwasher

We were away on holiday with some friends recently. We’d landed up in a luxury villa, more by hard bargaining and negotiating a late deal than having huge wads of money to spare. The villa came with everything and anything you’d want – or not – from a week in the sun: swimming pool, hot tub, pool table, Wii – and…a dishwasher.

Now I know that to many, a dishwasher is no longer considered a luxury item, but we don’t have one at home (and never have) and it became a bit of a running joke while we were away. The couple we went with know that I’ve got a few weird foibles (I don’t have – and never have had – a credit card or microwave, for example), and so some good humoured piss-ripping took place all week as we negotiated the “is a dishwasher a good thing?” discussion.

People, it turns out, are very passionate about this debate, both on the “against” side, but more surprisingly on the “for” side, too. When I mentioned it to some friends at work, the vigour with which they defended their love of dishwashers surprised me almost as much as my dislike of dishwashers appeared to surprise them.

So just for the record, here’s where I’m at.

First, there are two things that I should make clear about the Ellis family viewpoint (and yes, my wife shares my opinions on this…):

1. We’re not militant about it. Although, having said that, I actually think we (all) should be, for very obvious environmental reasons laid out below.

2. More importantly for this post: We don’t mind washing up. In fact, I would almost – but not quite – say that we quite like it. No, I’m not mad: actually, there’s something quite relaxing about the process and the down time that washing up gives you.

The second point is most important. Whatever else is said about dishwashers, I (provided I don’t have some kind of epiphany) just don’t care enough about the apparent horror of manual washing up to consider an alternative. So now we’ve got that out if the way, here’s how I see the Incredible Myths Of The Dishwasher:

Myth 1: It saves time.
Truth: You have to load it, run it, unload it. Time spent: way more than hand-washing. Myth busted.

Myth 2: Dishwashers are more convenient
Truth: See above, PLUS you invariably have to hand wash a number of items anyway, PLUS you have to sort out breakable or non-dishwasher safe items. Not to mention those moments when you need a plate or mug and it turns out they’re all stuck mid-cycle in the damn machine. Myth busted.

Myth 3: Dishwashers are more green.
Truth: hard to tell on the basis of running the thing given all the contradictory reports – but consider the common sense: given the water has to be heated to a higher temperature, a motor has to run and a pretty nasty set of chemicals have to be added, it seems unlikely. And that’s before you’ve thought about the impact of manufacture, shipping, replacement parts, etc. Myth, surely, busted.

Myth 4: Dishwashers sterilise your wash.
Truth: who fucking cares? I mean, really? Sterilised plates? Cmon. Better go back to your oxygen tent in case you catch something..

Myth 5: Dishwashers are cheaper to run
Truth: Personally, our family of four might spend – what – £3 a month on washing up liquid. If your dishwasher cost – I dunno – £300? then that’s two years of running without even taking into consideration the initial outlay, the soap tablet cost, the maintenance / insurance. Myth busted.

If five clearly busted myths aren’t enough for you, the ‘over-spec’ one is surely the nail in the coffin: a dishwasher is a clumsy bit of mechanical engineering that will go wrong (and to my delight, the one in our villa broke halfway through the week, just to prove my point). A washing up bowl is about as simple as it gets. You don’t need insurance, or an engineer. Simple, surely, is good.

So there you have it. You’re probably busy stacking your dishwasher, but please feel free to vent in an hour or two when you’ve finished